People don't understand my 'obsession' with fitness & food… I come from years of having eating disorders… Only people who have/had would understand the obsession that comes with the need to control everything.
That is why I go over and over about balance, moderation, feeding yourself the proper amounts of foods, having a good relationship with food and not depriving yourself! I want to slap girls who purposely under eat because it's doing damage to your health! Always, always put your health first.
I can remember being proud of only eating an apple and yogurt one day when I was a freshman in high school. I wanted nothing more than to be skin and bones. I would take photos of my hip bones and ribs, and during those days 'Xanga' was the popular site… and I would browse 'ana & mia' (anorexia & bulimia) sites, stick skinny girls, compare myself and wish I was as skinny as them. I wanted that thigh gap, collar bones popping, and hip bones sticking out. I played volleyball and was fairly active all through high school, hit up the gym after school just to do cardio and never lifted a weight. I would run and do the elliptical when my legs were tired until I burned over 1000 calories.
My sophomore year, I got hungry. I wanted to eat again. I was tired of always declining food, that feeling of hunger and my stomach growling. I was sick one day in February, and I made myself throw up. I thought 'wow… that was easy.' It clicked… that I could eat, throw it up, and not gain a lb. Some days I would weigh myself 10+ times. I would throw up 20+ times. I would take laxatives in hopes that I would lose more weight by going to the bathroom. I would hide food in my closet, I would go grocery shopping just to pick out foods to binge & purge on, I would time my binges around when my parents would be gone or after they went to bed. If they were there, I would run the shower. I knew which foods were easy to get up, I timed myself after I would eat out for my "window" to get it back out without gaining. I had all these "tricks" that, at the time, I was proud of…
My junior year, my long-term boyfriend, at the time, told me I should see the school counselor about it. It was really wearing on me, so I agreed. I saw her for a few sessions, she made me write feelings in notebooks and such. They were written after my purging sessions and were hard to read. The kind of feelings I felt and wrote were absolutely horrible- filled with such self-hate. She had to tell my parents because I was harming myself. I won't get into what happened with my parents, but I was under watch for a while, the eating disorder definitely slowed down a bit, and I was annoyed and felt antsy all the time. My counselor said that binging & purging was my way of stress relief. I gained a lot of weight, and eventually they thought I was "over it" or I was faking it for attention? That one I still don't get… because no one knew. I eventually got them off my back- I guess I'm a good actress in making it seem like I was totally fine. EDs are not something you just "get over" in a few weeks… It's a cycle that taunts you and drives you crazy, even if you wanted to "get over" it, you can't. It takes time. Not only time, but a whole MINDSET change.
My knuckles and back of my hand were always bruised with teeth marks.
This continued for 6+ years.
Binge, purge, guilt, hate. Binge, purge, guilt hate.
So many times I would cry, just wanting to stop but I seriously couldn't. It was my obsession and my go-to. People joke about bulimia and eating disorders all the time, but it's a touchy subject for me. Be careful who you joke around with because you never know who is going through it. You would be surprised how many girls have/had this deep dark secret. If you've never been through it, you just really don't understand the need. Like being addicted to a drug, cigarettes, alcohol.
I think it slowed down, finally, after I started working at Gunners (our base gym) in 2010 and started to switch my obsession to fitness when I was 19.
I used to think girls with muscles were gross before.
It's crazy how much my mindset has changed in the last 4~5 years.
I learned a lot from doing a bunch of research on my own, the Marines that I made friends with at the gym, the gym trainers, and fitness magazines after magazines.
I was introduced to lifting weights in 2010. Before then, I was still doing too much cardio and eating too much or not enough. I was also drinking a lot. Smoking cigarettes constantly and hanging with the wrong crowd.
There was a point where I was unhealthily obsessed with the gym too. That still comes and goes… especially now with prepping for a competition.
The healthiest I've been, mentally and physically was in 2011~2012 right after marrying Alex. I was lifting when I wanted to, heavy (squatting 225) and enjoying foods in moderation. Intuitively eating. I wasn't counting calories, I didn't weigh my foods, I wasn't following a specific workout routine or cardio routine. I was happy and healthy. I was lean, and at a normal weight… which I didn't constantly check.
Fast forward to now, one of the main reasons I started to despise my first coach was that he was bringing back all these old habits I had worked so hard to change. Especially my mentality. Strict meal plan, "clean and dirty foods", weighing in 3x a week, progress photos 3x a week, no substations to the 10 or less foods I got to eat, hours of cardio. I almost had a break-down towards the end.
Before hiring him, I WAS counting macros, following flexible dieting on about 1700+ calories, because I felt that flexible dieting works best for ME, with not having the need to binge out of control and feel guilty. It was helping me develop a good relationship with food again while losing the baby weight.
My switch to my now coach was harder than I imagined. Now that I was back to flexible dieting, I wanted to eat alllllll the foods. I have binged a few times uncontrollably. My body couldn't stop- like I NEEDED to have 6 protein bars, half a jar of peanut butter, ice cream, etc… It's just not a pretty picture. The guilt that comes with that is so not even worth it. Plus the progress that I lost with the excess calories.
It's hard to not obsess even now. The want to weigh myself, weigh every ounce of food perfectly, the need to do cardio and not miss one gym day. I have OCD with everything non-fitness related too. I drive myself crazy sometimes.
For a few weeks now I've been back on track with not binging, trying to relax more and just finish this out. Some may think of it as just not having self-control, being weak, and perhaps you're right. But to me, my relationship with food comes from a much deeper place.
I've missed a few shows that I wanted to originally do. At this point I finally feel HAPPY with where my body is at. Of course I would love to get leaner at my own pace, and I hate the stress all this competition prep has put on me. I really do hate that I've come to the point of "wanting to get the show over with" because I've seriously looked forward to competing for years.
So, here I am, 3 weeks and 2 days out. I know I will not be the leanest on that stage, I know I will not have the best abs, I know I won't have the greatest hamstrings and biggest boobs (HA!). But my body is dead tired, my mindset is worn out. I have been on 1100-1200 calories, plus hours of cardio and heavy lifting for months. People ask why don't I choose a later show date? BECAUSE I have paid enough for coaches that don't do refunds, I have sacrificed a lot already, I have worked my ass off to be where I am right now, and will follow through, do the damn show, use it as a learning experience and beat ME next year. It's not that I don't have a passion to compete, it's that I think I jumped into it too soon, with the wrong coach, and it's just been a downhill battle since.
After this show, I will be BUILDING my health, mentality, metabolism and body back up. I want to be that girl that enjoys lifting again and not feel anxiety to miss a workout. I want to enjoy dinners with my family. I want to eat foods without feeling like I want to go on a full-out binge. Or want to kill myself with guilt. I want moderation, balance, and that healthy mindset back that I worked so hard for.
I'm really not sure who all read through this. I know it was long. But if you are going through this, something similar, know that there are so many girls, and guys, that do too. You're not alone. There are ways to make it better. You CAN beat it. I always have to remind myself daily… sometimes hourly haha - ONE DAY AT A TIME. One meal at a time. One workout at a time. Relax. Don't punish yourself or reward yourself with food. It's hard to break that emotional tie with food, but you have to. If you fall off whatever plan you're on, just get back up and keep going… It can take years and years but it's worth it to change your mindset. Stop saying mean things to yourself. There are some days I pinch all my fat and say some horrible things… but I'm trying to stop it and compliment myself. I'm seriously working on being happier, more confident and LOVE myself.
Here are a few photos of me through my ups & downs:
SOPHOMORE year (bulimia started)
JUNIOR year (full on bulimia)
SENIOR year (after parents found out, being watched, put on weight)
18 (year after graduation, smoking, drinking, bad crowds, eating horribly, not working out as much)
19- I was a huge party girl from 18-20 but this year is when I thought 'enough is enough' and needed to lose weight again
20- had been working out, learning "clean eating", and was very happy again!
21- lifting heavy, intuitively eating, sometimes counting macros, going out, having fun, and being happy! this is the year I got married too.
I'm now 23. Gaining 60lbs during my pregnancy was hard. I was self-conscious this whole year trying to lose it. Now that I'm small, I'm still self-conciosus when people comment on how tiny or small or too skinny I am. I wish people didn't talk about weight. I do what makes me happy, I want to look the way I do because that's where I'm comfortable.
Anyways, you get my drift. I really do believe fitness, in a sense, saved my life. It saved me from the dark hole that I was drowning in. I don't feel fully "over" my eating disorder, but I feel more in control. I love what I have learned, I know what works for my body, I know my emotional triggers to make me want to binge, and I know that I will make this competition doing the best that I can. I'm constantly learning and I ENJOY educating myself about fitness, nutrition and health- which is why I got my certifications as well. I've been through it all. This is all why I also enjoy helping other girls. See what lifting, the proper amount of cardio, enjoying foods, BALANCE and MODERATION can do? It made me a happy happy woman!! I'll see her again soon.
Hope this wasn't too boring… until next time :)
If you need help, have questions, you can always email me at suarezcoral@hotmail.com
Be sure to follow me on IG :) @loveliftdrift
xoxo
