Progress & Favorites #1

I think I'm going to do these sorts of updates every few weeks! With mommy/wifey duties, new job, school, training and eating all the time it's hard for me to keep up with blogging. But, I do love it, especially to be able to look back on to read current feelings and help inspire others in any sort of way that I can. 

I've reached over 10,000 views from allllll over the world! America, Serbia, Germany, Japan, Canada, Australia, Malaysia, etc. It's pretty amazing and THANK YOU for taking time and reading my blogs! xoxoxoxoxo

Prep Update: 

I am about... 9 weeks out now? To be honest, this prep has been the complete opposite of my last. I'm not stressing myself out over every little thing, I told my coach I want to go slow and steady so I don't crash and burn out later, or have a horrible rebound again. I will not step on stage until I'm happy with my complete package- even if that means choosing a later show. However, I am motivated as HELL to make the March 28th one! I'm LOVING training. I may be tired, usually just really sore, and hungry if I think about it too much, but I'm not miserable by any means. I'm enjoying myself and this journey. I'm excited to keep pushing and peeling the layers ;) My coach asked me what my energy level was, 1-10 (10 being highest) and I said 9! Yeah, sometimes I have to really push myself, especially that damn cardio lol, but I can do it. It's all in my head. Mind > matter baby.

Training: 6x a week (heavy weights, no plyos). Cardio: 6x a week. HIIT & steady state. Nutrition: Macronutrient based diet consisting of high protein, moderate carbs, and low fat. I use flexible dieting and hit my protein/carbs/fat/fiber daily as well as micronutrients. 1 reefed day a week consisting of almost double my weekly carbs. I usually have it on saturday nights after leg day!

So, here are my progress photos that I've been sending to my coach. I'm well aware how much weight I put on since my last show and I don't need to feel ashamed or guilt myself further. It happened, I slipped up and ate a lot of delicious foods in large moderations (haha). I still worked out, hard, but you know the saying... you can't outwork a bad diet. So true man. I learned, and I'm moving on and doing the best that I can now. 

slow and steady! trying to maintain as much muscle while leaning out!
*starting weight: 140lbs / <5'2" / bf%: unknown
*current: weight unknown, bf% unknown, still a shorty

As embarrassing as it is for me, I am human... I like to be real with everyone who is actually interested in following my journey. It's not all about the highlight reels for me.. I struggle, I fall, and I get the fuck back up. I have a body type that puts on weight very fast when I'm not careful. I really hope to never go through that rebound feeling again. I know I'm capable of losing it and bringing an even better stage package this year. 

Thank you to everyone who supports me!

Current Favorites:

1. Muscle Pharm Combat Crunch Protein Bars

*Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough & Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup
They also just came out with a cinnamon twist, but I haven't tried it yet. I'm definitely more of a chocolate and peanut butter lover mmmm. These are SO good- The macros/calories, the size, the texture and taste! Anyone that knows me knows I love me some Quest Bars, but TRY these. They are worth it!! They kill my sweet tooth and chocolate cravings and are great for a mid-day pick me up snack or meal on the go. I buy mine through Amazon.
(Macros: 210 calories, 7g fat, 28g carb, 20g protein, 12g fiber)

2. Beef Fajita Flame Broiled, Seasoned & Spiced

I always choose chicken to eat as my protein, egg whites second,  protein powder, then fish last. I love steak, but it's usually more pricey and higher in fat. This one I found tastes so great, price was reasonable, and macros are fantastic. I love cooking stir fry with it or making healthy tacos. I buy mine at Sam's Club.

(Macros: 3oz (85g) = 100 calories, 3g fat, 3g carbs, 16g protein)

3. Cary's Sugar-Free Syrup

So I used to use this often, until I heard of Walden Farms (0 cal/fat/carbs) pancake syrup and started using that. But after a while... it just gets old... and expensive for how quickly I'm able to go through it since it's 0 macros everything. So I decided to go back to this because I don't have to order it online, and the macros are pretty damn good for how much you can use. 1/4c is 60ml = 60g and if you weigh while you pour, you will realize you don't even need that much. I only use half of that, so 30g. It tastes way better and for how much I like to make protein pancakes, way more affordable... and convenient. And less chemical tasting.

(Macros: 1/4 cup (60g) = 30 calories, 0 fat, 14 carbs, 0 protein). 

4. Scivation Xtend Intraworkout

I started using this during my last prep, almost a year ago, and have fallen in love with it and I don't think I have gone a day without it! I use 1 scoop and sip on it during my workouts. I honestly feel like I sweat much more when I drink it. But besides that, here are some facts on these BCAAs. 

• Build Muscle • Burn Fat • Recover Faster
• Enhances Muscle Building and Strength
• 7g BCAAs - 2:1:1 Proven Ratio
• Increases Fat Burning
• Helps Speed Recovery
• ZERO Sugar or Carbs

There are a lot of BCAAs out there (branch chained amino acids) but this one is just my favorite. I highly recommend watermelon and strawberry kiwi! If I crave something sweet later in the day, I've also made slushies with it in the summertime :)

5. Liquid Stevia Drops

These are 0 calorie sweeteners, and all natural! I LOVE them. They are a bit pricey for a small bottle, but seriously a few drops goes a long ways! I use them in my coffee, plain fat free greek yogurt mixes, protein pancake mix, etc. Anything you want to sweeten! Plus, they have a whole bunch of different flavors! Tryyyy them. You need this in your life, especially if you like stuff sweet like me :p

I buy mine from Amazon or Vitacost. I linked it so you can see the product details :)

I buy many things from Vitacost! Protein powder, vitamins, Quest Bars, peanut butters and sweeteners. Check them out!

Thats all for today! Have a fit week everyone. Don't give up!!

If there is anything you want me to write a post about or you have questions, feel free to contact me and ask anything!

Also follow me on IG for more day to day updates :)

@coral.suarez

xoxo

Intermittent Fasting Experiment

If this sparked your interest- keep reading. 

*From article #2 listed below if you want to check it out further.

^This is after my 1 WEEK experiment^ 

My whole experiment is all down below! 

Are you familiar with the term intermittent fasting (IF)? I've been doing my research, but I'm still far from being an expert. This may or may not be for you so don't think I'm trying to encourage this. Just something I've been researching lately to see if it's something I like and want to maintain as a lifestyle. 

Basically, you choose to eat during a 2-8 hour window and fast the rest (not eat). There are different ways that people do this, and even people who fast up to 24hrs, but basically you are still eating your calories/macros that you normally would through an entire 24 hours, just in a smaller window, within however many meals you want. Less time to eat = bigger meals = more satisfaction = less obsessing about food. That's how I see it anyways. I will also be training fasted because I train in the mornings. If you workout in the afternoons/evenings, and want to workout fasted, you must wait at least 4 hours since your meal. 

There are so many benefits of IF. I would write them all out, but honestly I'm no scientist and would just be copying out of these great articles, so instead, I listed my 5 favorites.

Of course there are pros and cons and articles about the negatives out there as well- such as muscle loss, etc- but as with anything, it's about what works for YOU. I found the most helpful and easy to understand articles, and if you're interested to learn further, click through them.

1. A Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting
2. Wanna Lose Fat? Then Stop Eating! Dr. Sara Solomon
3. Fitness RX for Women - Intermittent Fasting
4. Intermittent Fasting 101 - How To Start Burning Fat
5. Muscle & Strength - Understanding of IF 

I'm experimenting for ME, for one basic reason:
My eating was out of control after my show after being deprived and controlled for so many months- I have always had the mindset, that the fitness industry has fed me over the years, that I need to eat as soon as I wake up, I need to eat 6-7 small meals a day and I need to eat every 2-3 hours if I want to gain/maintain muscle and burn body fat. It's been driving me crazy. I feel unsatisfied after these 6-7 small meals, being hungrier in the evenings because I had to eat my biggest meal for breakfast and causing me to want to snack all damn day and going all over my macros. Once I start eating, I just wanted to eat from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep! Weather you choose to do this the "clean eating" way or "flexible dieting" way is up to you, macros are macros. I choose flexible dieting of course. #iifym

**IMPORTANT**
-This all does not mean that you will lose xlbs a week 
-This is not for everyone
-This is not a starvation diet! 
-This is not a temporary fix nor a fad diet
-I'm currently reverse dieting 

What I will be doing: 
-Hitting MY usual "full days worth" of reverse dieting macros
-Eating window from noon-2000 (8hrs)
-Fasting window from 2000-noon (16hrs)
-1-2 cups coffee in the AM; Will be using sugar free creamer and stevia drops and not exceeding 50 calories to stay in the fasted state
-Usual supps and vitamins before/after gym
(Xtend BCAAs, Beast creatine, multi-vit, fish-oil)

Monday: Sucked it up and stepped on the scale… Hoping and praying it was all water weight last week and I wouldn't be far up from my stage weight. Wrong. I was up 11 freakin pounds. 137.6. (I stepped on stage at 126lbs- still high for my height). You can understand how upsetting this is. Yes, my dieting wasn't on point with reversing, so I guess it's my fault. It's amazing how fast my body rebounded. I know things need to change, which is mainly why I decided to try this. 

Today I did heavy legs & HIIT cardio. I was worried this morning that I wouldn't have strength and feel tired through my workout, but I wasn't! After getting over (ignoring) the initial hunger and stomach rumbles, I felt focused and ready. I did my workout full-force and felt great. Of course I was hungry by noon and broke my fast with a huge stack of protein pancakes! YUM! I think tomorrow I'll go bigger for my fast breaker. Yay carbs!! 

meal #1

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

#2

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

#3

kcals/c/f/p/fiber

#4/Dessert

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

Today went awesome. I also had a few Haribo gummy bears & 1/2 pack of Nature Valley's PB granola bar because I had carb macros leftover (surprisingly), but I felt full and satisfied all day instead of snacking 6x between my 6 small meals. Last meal was a little before 9 because I couldn't get it in by 8. Oh well, feeling in control again and hopeful that this my be the right route for me. 

MyFitnessPal: coralbaby

IG: coralsuarez

Tuesday: This morning I felt a bit hungry but soon forgot about it and went about my morning. Went to the gym for back/bis and cardio and felt great. Didn't feel sluggish, lazy and tired from having breakfast. By noon my tummy was growling though and I broke my fast with another giant loaded pancake and added oatmeal on the side! Feeling full and satisfied :) 

Today's menu hahaha

I used to have it set up as meal #1-#6. I would eat 6 small meals and snack all between them. Now I have this plus a "breakfast" part up top, where I just add in my vitamins and coffee/creamer for the whole day. My meals are pretty basic at the moment as I'm still trying to gain control of this reverse diet. I probably should eat more fruits & veggies, but my fiber has been totaling up as I want. 

Wednesday: Woke up earlier than usual with Sylas and he took a longer nap so my time from when I was up until I hit the gym was a bit longer and I was tempted to nibble at something… but I resisted. My workout went great and I was HAAANGRY by noon! As I cooked my giant protein pancakes & oats I went upstairs to check my weight. I was super nervous. 133.0! That's 3.6lbs down since Monday!! Phewwwww. Sure, it may be water weight. But, I know what I'm doing is working now and I feel fantastic as well. Of course I'm not one to be "all about the scale" but it's nice to know that I can gain control again WHILE I feel good, healthy and strong. Super important to have energy and love the process again.

#1

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

#2

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

#3

forgot to take photo of my chicken, egg whites and spinach mix.. 

it wasn't that special lol just had to get that protein in

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

#4/Dessert

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

I originally had different stuff planned for #3 and #4, but I decided to make those 'Soda Cupcakes' that I found on pinterest and had to adjust. Fiber ended up being lower than I wanted but it happens. I have been eating my second meal around 1600~1700 so I'm actually cramming down #3 and dessert right at 2000.

*WARNING* You can't eat just one! Soda Cupcakes: You can opt out the protein powder, but I added 2 scoops of Cellucor Cor-Fetti Cake Batter, 1 can room temp Diet Coke and brownie mixture. That's it! Bake at 350 for 15-18 minutes, just like regular muffins. Enjoy! 

Thursday: The hunger feeling in the AM doesn't bother me anymore. I was kind of thinking… Even the days I'd eat breakfast, I was still hungry and just wanted to keep eating after anyways, so having this time frame control is nice. Feeling hungry again is nice. Not that I'm saying I like feeling hungry, but before, every time I felt a little hunger I would just fill it with whatever. I worked shoulders, tris and chest and had a great pump! Soooooo, I had my whole days' of food planned. I broke my fast again with the loaded pancake buuuuuuuut, I didn't go with what I had planned for the rest of the day and didn't feel like tracking. Today I intuitively ate. I still ate within my window, but I know I went over my carbs, and I'm okay with it. I didn't bother tracking so I wouldn't feel guilty for having some rice cakes with peanut butter and white chocolate… heheee :p I'll go back to my plan tomorrow. Had a nice chill day. It's nice not constantly being on MFP and weighing food.

Friday: Weighed in at 134.0lbs. One pound up from Wednesday, but not surprising considering all the chocolate and peanut butter I had yesterday. Oopsie. Life goes on ;) But I plan on sticking to it today because I actually want to follow my little experiment through. Worked legs and HIIT cardio and felt wonderful. Didn't break my fast until 1:30! Omg I was so hungry. Not intentionally. Went to the gym later and ran a few errands right after and by the time I was home, put Sylas down for his nap, showered and done cooking, it was a lot later then I thought... but I survived ;)

#1

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

combined #2 & #3

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

#4/Dessert

kcal/c/f/p/fiber

Surprise. I don't always take pictures of my food :p

Saturday: Saturdays are my days I promised myself I would not track anything. Intuitively eat. I know I did that once unintentionally earlier this week, but I'm still sticking to it for mental breaks. I'm not in prep, I'm in "off season" or "improvement season" or just ME season, and need to learn to not obsess. So, instead of going to the gym, I skipped it and went to the Hartford Europa Expo! I've always wanted to go to one of those. I ended up fasting until 330pm when I got home! I left around 11 to the expo and was busy walking around, entertaining my son and watching the events that I didn't think about food and my body wasn't starving. By the time I got home though, I felt it and broke my fast with a diff kind of huge protein pancake. Instead of the coconut flour (because I'm out) I used 10g of Phillsbury Confetti pancake mix (no fiber though) with the rest the pretty much the same. Idk, I didn't measure the ingredients out. Soooo fluffy. Sooo yummy. I had a baby shower to go to for the second half of the day and since it's at my in-law's there is always really yummy food! Had a DD iced coffee with 1 scoop protein powder before, and then I had some steak and cheesy potatoes and a piece of marble cake! Eating window still closed at 8! No guilt was felt. 

Sunday: Usually my "rest days" from training, but I decided to go train. Because I wanted to! Not had to. Had a great fasted heavy back day and short HIIT cardio. Broke my fast at noon and stuck to my plan as close as possible. The family had a pool and grill day so I had a hamburger. Not worth the fat and calories that I had to work around and adjust :/ I had to lower my carbs because my fats were so high today. But when stuff like that happens, you just move on. You just pick back up and keep on going. No point trying to "erase" damage by lowering calories or adding in extra cardio to beat yourself up. Especially if you're not in prep or anything. Life happens. Things come up. You're HUMAN when you slip up and fall off the plan. You haven't failed until you've given up. So don't give up! I feel like when I try to "undo" the damage, I cause more. 

#1

#2

#3

#4

Monday Conclusion: I went back and forth thinking if I should weigh myself. I don't want to get consumed with numbers again so I will not be weighing myself 3x a week after this. Not even once a week. I decided to just to finish out this experiment though- 132.6! Probably a lot of water weight, but not all. THE POINT is that I was able to gain control of myself again, I didn't feel obsessed over food or snack all day and felt satisfied! Sometimes even so full that I didn't know if I was going to get it all in before 8. I didn't feel weak in the gym-- I actually always felt more focused and kept adding weight and lifting heavier. My body and mind feels better. It's amazing what the body can do. I ate intuitively 2x and trained 6x. This week I was in about a 700-800 calorie surplus too than from those last 2-3 weeks of prep! 300ish calories from nutrition and 300-400 calories from not doing cardio twice a day. You cannot outsmart your body! Feed it. Take care of it. Love yourself. I will definitely be sticking to this intermittent fasting lifestyle. I loved it! I hope to get better and better at it and see some awesome results in the mirror- body composition, strength (mental and physical) over NUMBERS on the stupid scale. That's all that matters!! You could reach your goal weight, but that does not fix how you feel on the inside and abut yourself. A goal weight does not and will not change the inside… that all takes time. Self-love, confidence, knowing you're worth it, feeling happy and healthy is so much more than a goal weight. I don't even have a goal weight?? I've fluctuated between 120-135lbs and have looked many different ways so it really doesn't matter! 

Hope you found this all somewhat helpful?? :D I'm so glad I tried it! 

If you have any questions on this, interested in online coaching (training and macro nutrition pal), or anything feel free to contact me: 

suarezcoral@hotmail.com

IG: coral.suarez

xoxo

What is Reverse Dieting?

Reverse + diet?? The hell? Seems like everyone is doing it these days. When I first heard about this, I was a few months pregnant back in October 2012. I kept seeing people hashtag '#reversediet' on allllll these delicious looking foods on IG. Along with "#iifym." I seriously thought, what is this new diet?? Most of the people still had great abs, strength and looked great and fit! Growing up, and especially as a women, society tries to teach you that in order to look good you need to do a lot of cardio and not eat too much, especially not a lot of protein, but instead, eat a lot of fruits and yogurts, granola, or whatever. 

diet: noun

1: the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats

2: a special course of food to which one restricts oneself, either to lose weight or for medical reasons.

So reverse, is… well, reversing from lowering calories/adding cardio. 

When you've gone down down down… sometimes there's no where to go but reverse upwards.

Towards the end of my prep, the last 3-4 weeks, I was on about 1100-1200 calories. Sometimes I would try restricting myself to lower in hopes to get more results, and I was doing 12-13 sessions of cardio a WEEK! About 30-60 mins of fasted cardio in the AM and 30-45 of steady state or HIIT on the stair master after weight-lifting.

And guess what?

I DIDN'T LOSE WEIGHT! 

I COULDN'T. 

My body was tired, weak, hit a plateau, and suffering major metabolic damage. Mainly from dieting so long and hard. If  you've been reading my blogs, you'd know that I dumped my first coach and he is the reason I got stuck in such a shitty situation. I signed up with him to do "offseason" before cutting for my show. He "off-seasoned" me aka supposed to be building muscle on probably 1300 calories plus cardio 6x a week. So for my cut, he went lower & increased cardio. 

Metabolic damage is just like starvation mode, which are both very real things. 

star•va•tion mode - noun (stär-ˈvā-shən mōd): a series of metabolic, hormonal and behavioral responses to extreme or prolonged calorie deprivation, which is common during many popular weight loss diets. Since your body can’t recognize the difference between severe dieting and starving, it responds as if you were really starving: Protective mechanisms are activated to decrease your rate of further weight loss, including reduced energy, lower physical activity and increased appetite. Your metabolism also slows down more than you’d predict for the amount of body weight lost.

Check out this simple blog > Metabolic Damage

Please visit and watch Biolayne's metabolic damage video

So anyways, back to reverse dieting. You do not need to have competed or be in a certain shape to do this. This is for those who have been on restrictive calories (macros) for a long period of time and the body has hit a plateau, and not progressing (losing body fat/gaining muscle, etc). Say you have been eating only 800-1200 calories or whatever it is for months, or years. Your body NEEDS food. Food is fuel. Your body is shutting down. There are many calculators to find out your maintenance caloric intake. Most are surprised as to how many calories they could be eating without gaining weight. So to reverse diet, for example, instead of jumping from the 1000kcal you're at to what the maintenance says, like 1800, you slowly reverse diet by adding in calories (carbs/protein/fats) every week and work your way up so your metabolism adapts and you don't put on fat weight. Note that you CAN and most likely will gain a FEW lbs. But your body composition will significantly change for the better, especially with a good training plan. 

IIFYM is my favorite calculator. 
You can google others and compare.
Remember, no one number is completely accurate!

I feel as women, we automatically think "weightloss" and go to those numbers, but you should think "maintenance" if you will be reverse dieting as the goal number to work your way up to. And if you can go further than that while gaining minimal weight/bodyfat then keep going. It is a slow process and takes patience, but it is SO worth it. I have seen the results and not just with the body but the MIND too. To be able to eat all your favorite foods in moderation, not gain 5lbs overnight if you want to go out to dinner, feel guilty for eating, and enjoy yourself is a big thing. Calculating macros every day is time-consuming, it can get obsessive, so find stuff what works for you… I just wanted to explain reverse dieting. I think it's a beautiful thing and no one should be eating under even 1200 calories!

I'm still trying to find what works for me now. 

I am 1 week post show- and it has not been easy. My friend Stephanie, who competed last year, had gone through metabolic damage and post-show blues, had constantly reminded me that it would be hard post-show and to take it easy and reverse diet. It's common for competitors to go on binge sprees after competitions from all the restriction- which is another reason why I'm an advocate and love flexible dieting/IIFYM (see older posts).

My plan > Relax the Sunday after my show, no food limitations and enjoy the gorgeous day, stress free. Then, starting monday, begin my reverse diet.

*For me, I would keep my protein around 1g-1.2g body lb and then add 10-15g carbs & 1-2g fats every week, and slowly up my macros while gaining minimal weight/body fat and possibly even lose weight and lean out more since I wasn't even that lean. While upping macros, I would slowly take out cardio time as well. 

1g protein = 4 calories, 1g carb = 4 calories, 1g fat = 9 calories

This is how people get calories, by adding up their macros. 

Always macros > calories 

Reality > Relaxed the Sunday after the show but also hit up the gym for a short back & cardio session because I had so much energy from all the carbs. I cut out my fasted cardio completely to start. Then… the whole week I was WAY over my reverse diet target macros. I ate simply because I could, whenever I wanted, because I could. I let food control me. I gave into many cravings, and felt I had majorly failed. For my show I depleted water/sodium, so the week after, water retention was a bitch- I felt HUGE. Bloated. Like the feeling being in an airplane with my body all puffy. It sucked. I stepped on the scale 5 days after and was UP 9 LBS! Huge mistake. I know most is water weight, which is slowly coming down, but that sort of thing really messes with your head. 

As you can see, within a week I went from abs to no abs. From solid to fluffy. I do feel more "filled out," happier and healthier, STRONGER, but still unsure and confused. I'm trying to find my happy medium. I beat myself up a bit about my reverse dieting failure. I don't want to get in the mind-set of "I deserve to eat all this shit food because I dieted and was deprived for so long." Because I shouldn't be eating that much crap. It's not the healthy lifestyle I'm going for.

My New Plan > Get back to my reverse dieting plan, but change my macros a bit higher to a more realistic goal that I can hit. Eat bigger meals & less frequently. I've always had it in my head to "eat every 2-3 hours, small meals." But for me, it's unsatisfying, leading me to want to snack through each meal. Whenever I've gone out and had a big meal, I'm satisfied for like 4 hours! So, I will be having bigger meals and I really think that will help out with feeling satisfied. Also, going back to having more meals with volume. I will still be doing it the flexible dieting way, with no food groups off limits.

I will make my come-back… again. It's just been all in my head and I can beat and over-come this. I do not want to get into a binge eating habit. This is it. Enough.

Things I will remind myself of:

1. food will always be there & this is not the only or last chance I can eat this

2. moderation. you can have a little, not the entire pack of cookies

3. you don't want all your handwork out the window

4. take it day by day- it's ok if you slip up

5. you want to be healthy, body, mind and soul

6. eventually your macros will be high again

7. slow and steady wins the race

I know people with a healthy relationship with food thinks this kind of stuff is crazy. It is a bit crazy to have an obsession with food, but it happens to a lot of people. I won't be stepping on the scale for another few weeks. I will continue to lift heavy, hit some PRs, and work on building muscle. Deadlifts, deadlifts and some more deadlifts! Heavy squats, pull-ups and less super-setting with light weight and just work on over-all strength.

I have been contemplating a show in late October, but I don't think it'll give me enough time to improve and build. I mostly want to to redeem myself from my last show. But the right way would be to do a long improvement season (20 weeks) then make a slow cut (20 weeks) into my season to compete next year! April-June are many shows and I want to look my absolute BEST. I think I will also be coaching myself! I'm excited about that. I will definitely be posting more to hold myself accountable. 

Here is to new goals- confidence, consistency, strength and self-love. 

Find me on IG @coral.suarez

xoxo

My Story & My Eating Disorders

I have honestly never opened up about this topic- only a handful of people know. I was going to keep it that way… but lately, it seems easier to open up about it because I see other girls opening up, and I can relate to so many of their posts. I don't feel as alone or crazy. And maybe… just maybe… I can help someone else… I think it would also help me to get it all out there.

People don't understand my 'obsession' with fitness & food… I come from years of having eating disorders… Only people who have/had would understand the obsession that comes with the need to control everything. 

That is why I go over and over about balance, moderation, feeding yourself the proper amounts of foods, having a good relationship with food and not depriving yourself! I want to slap girls who purposely under eat because it's doing damage to your health! Always, always put your health first. 

I can remember being proud of only eating an apple and yogurt one day when I was a freshman in high school. I wanted nothing more than to be skin and bones. I would take photos of my hip bones and ribs, and during those days 'Xanga' was the popular site… and I would browse 'ana & mia' (anorexia & bulimia) sites, stick skinny girls, compare myself and wish I was as skinny as them. I wanted that thigh gap, collar bones popping, and hip bones sticking out. I played volleyball and was fairly active all through high school, hit up the gym after school just to do cardio and never lifted a weight. I would run and do the elliptical when my legs were tired until I burned over 1000 calories. 

My sophomore year, I got hungry. I wanted to eat again. I was tired of always declining food, that feeling of hunger and my stomach growling. I was sick one day in February, and I made myself throw up. I thought 'wow… that was easy.' It clicked… that I could eat, throw it up, and not gain a lb. Some days I would weigh myself 10+ times. I would throw up 20+ times. I would take laxatives in hopes that I would lose more weight by going to the bathroom. I would hide food in my closet, I would go grocery shopping just to pick out foods to binge & purge on, I would time my binges around when my parents would be gone or after they went to bed. If they were there, I would run the shower. I knew which foods were easy to get up, I timed myself after I would eat out for my "window" to get it back out without gaining. I had all these "tricks" that, at the time, I was proud of… 

My junior year, my long-term boyfriend, at the time, told me I should see the school counselor about it. It was really wearing on me, so I agreed. I saw her for a few sessions, she made me write feelings in notebooks and such. They were written after my purging sessions and were hard to read. The kind of feelings I felt and wrote were absolutely horrible- filled with such self-hate. She had to tell my parents because I was harming myself. I won't get into what happened with my parents, but I was under watch for a while, the eating disorder definitely slowed down a bit, and I was annoyed and felt antsy all the time. My counselor said that binging & purging was my way of stress relief. I gained a lot of weight, and eventually they thought I was "over it" or I was faking it for attention? That one I still don't get… because no one knew. I eventually got them off my back- I guess I'm a good actress in making it seem like I was totally fine. EDs are not something you just "get over" in a few weeks… It's a cycle that taunts you and drives you crazy, even if you wanted to "get over" it, you can't. It takes time. Not only time, but a whole MINDSET change. 

My knuckles and back of my hand were always bruised with teeth marks.

This continued for 6+ years. 
Binge, purge, guilt, hate. Binge, purge, guilt hate. 

So many times I would cry, just wanting to stop but I seriously couldn't. It was my obsession and my go-to. People joke about bulimia and eating disorders all the time, but it's a touchy subject for me. Be careful who you joke around with because you never know who is going through it. You would be surprised how many girls have/had this deep dark secret. If you've never been through it, you just really don't understand the need. Like being addicted to a drug, cigarettes, alcohol.

I think it slowed down, finally, after I started working at Gunners (our base gym) in 2010 and started to switch my obsession to fitness when I was 19. 

I used to think girls with muscles were gross before. 
It's crazy how much my mindset has changed in the last 4~5 years.

I learned a lot from doing a bunch of research on my own, the Marines that I made friends with at the gym, the gym trainers, and fitness magazines after magazines. 

I was introduced to lifting weights in 2010. Before then, I was still doing too much cardio and eating too much or not enough. I was also drinking a lot. Smoking cigarettes constantly and hanging with the wrong crowd. 

There was a point where I was unhealthily obsessed with the gym too. That still comes and goes… especially now with prepping for a competition.

The healthiest I've been, mentally and physically was in 2011~2012 right after marrying Alex. I was lifting when I wanted to, heavy (squatting 225) and enjoying foods in moderation. Intuitively eating. I wasn't counting calories, I didn't weigh my foods, I wasn't following a specific workout routine or cardio routine. I was happy and healthy. I was lean, and at a normal weight… which I didn't constantly check. 

Fast forward to now, one of the main reasons I started to despise my first coach was that he was bringing back all these old habits I had worked so hard to change. Especially my mentality. Strict meal plan, "clean and dirty foods", weighing in 3x a week, progress photos 3x a week, no substations to the 10 or less foods I got to eat, hours of cardio. I almost had a break-down towards the end. 

Before hiring him, I WAS counting macros, following flexible dieting on about 1700+ calories, because I felt that flexible dieting works best for ME, with not having the need to binge out of control and feel guilty. It was helping me develop a good relationship with food again while losing the baby weight. 

My switch to my now coach was harder than I imagined. Now that I was back to flexible dieting, I wanted to eat alllllll the foods. I have binged a few times uncontrollably. My body couldn't stop- like I NEEDED to have 6 protein bars, half a jar of peanut butter, ice cream, etc… It's just not a pretty picture. The guilt that comes with that is so not even worth it. Plus the progress that I lost with the excess calories. 

It's hard to not obsess even now. The want to weigh myself, weigh every ounce of food perfectly, the need to do cardio and not miss one gym day. I have OCD with everything non-fitness related too. I drive myself crazy sometimes. 

For a few weeks now I've been back on track with not binging, trying to relax more and just finish this out. Some may think of it as just not having self-control, being weak, and perhaps you're right. But to me, my relationship with food comes from a much deeper place.

I've missed a few shows that I wanted to originally do. At this point I finally feel HAPPY with where my body is at. Of course I would love to get leaner at my own pace, and I hate the stress all this competition prep has put on me. I really do hate that I've come to the point of "wanting to get the show over with" because I've seriously looked forward to competing for years.  

So, here I am, 3 weeks and 2 days out. I know I will not be the leanest on that stage, I know I will not have the best abs, I know I won't have the greatest hamstrings and biggest boobs (HA!). But my body is dead tired, my mindset is worn out. I have been on 1100-1200 calories, plus hours of cardio and heavy lifting for months. People ask why don't I choose a later show date? BECAUSE I have paid enough for coaches that don't do refunds, I have sacrificed a lot already, I have worked my ass off to be where I am right now, and will follow through, do the damn show, use it as a learning experience and beat ME next year. It's not that I don't have a passion to compete, it's that I think I jumped into it too soon, with the wrong coach, and it's just been a downhill battle since. 

After this show, I will be BUILDING my health, mentality, metabolism and body back up. I want to be that girl that enjoys lifting again and not feel anxiety to miss a workout. I want to enjoy dinners with my family. I want to eat foods without feeling like I want to go on a full-out binge. Or want to kill myself with guilt. I want moderation, balance, and that healthy mindset back that I worked so hard for. 

I'm really not sure who all read through this. I know it was long. But if you are going through this, something similar, know that there are so many girls, and guys, that do too. You're not alone. There are ways to make it better. You CAN beat it. I always have to remind myself daily… sometimes hourly haha - ONE DAY AT A TIME. One meal at a time. One workout at a time. Relax. Don't punish yourself or reward yourself with food. It's hard to break that emotional tie with food, but you have to. If you fall off whatever plan you're on, just get back up and keep going… It can take years and years but it's worth it to change your mindset. Stop saying mean things to yourself. There are some days I pinch all my fat and say some horrible things… but I'm trying to stop it and compliment myself. I'm seriously working on being happier, more confident and LOVE myself. 

Here are a few photos of me through my ups & downs:

SOPHOMORE year (bulimia started)

JUNIOR year (full on bulimia)

SENIOR year (after parents found out, being watched, put on weight)

18 (year after graduation, smoking, drinking, bad crowds, eating horribly, not working out as much)

19- I was a huge party girl from 18-20 but this year is when I thought 'enough is enough' and needed to lose weight again

20- had been working out, learning "clean eating", and was very happy again!

21- lifting heavy, intuitively eating, sometimes counting macros, going out, having fun, and being happy! this is the year I got married too.

I'm now 23. Gaining 60lbs during my pregnancy was hard. I was self-conscious this whole year trying to lose it. Now that I'm small, I'm still self-conciosus when people comment on how tiny or small or too skinny I am. I wish people didn't talk about weight. I do what makes me happy, I want to look the way I do because that's where I'm comfortable. 

Anyways, you get my drift. I really do believe fitness, in a sense, saved my life. It saved me from the dark hole that I was drowning in. I don't feel fully "over" my eating disorder, but I feel more in control. I love what I have learned, I know what works for my body, I know my emotional triggers to make me want to binge, and I know that I will make this competition doing the best that I can. I'm constantly learning and I ENJOY educating myself about fitness, nutrition and health- which is why I got my certifications as well. I've been through it all. This is all why I also enjoy helping other girls. See what lifting, the proper amount of cardio, enjoying foods, BALANCE and MODERATION can do? It made me a happy happy woman!! I'll see her again soon. 

Hope this wasn't too boring… until next time :)

If you need help, have questions, you can always email me at suarezcoral@hotmail.com

Be sure to follow me on IG :) @loveliftdrift 

xoxo