The Decision To NOT Compete.

Prep to a fitness competition takes many many weeks and it's not just the hours in the gym, it's all the hours outside of it as well. It's non-stop! I knew that, and I'm usually in the gym so long that I'm used to that commitment.  I LOVE it. It's my happy place. However, I did not know I would take this new job about 4 weeks ago... and I have to admit, since then, I have been SOOO overwhelmed trying to get in my full workouts 6x a week in while maintaining the other aspects of my life. I'm also taking night classes to get my degree and have a toddler and husband to spend time with. I've still been going my 6x a week, but I don't have the time that I used to to dedicate 2-2.5 hours in the gym and to be even more honest, my "prep mentality" hasn't been as high as I need it to be to get to the stage. Sounds like a bunch of excuses to you? I don't care. They are my reasons for why I have been so on and off lately. 

For some reason I didn't want to "give up" on prep because I thought I would feel guilty or weak if I did... I know how excited I was to start and I kept visioning myself on stage. So I kept pushing through... but it's driving me crazy that I can't do what my coach needs me to do and I felt too much pressure that I'm constantly failing him and myself. And on the flip side if I was doing absolutely everything right and dedicating my free time to the gym, I felt like I was missing way too much time from home with the little bit that I already have. I needed to be honest with myself, face facts, and am forgiving myself for this not being the right time for me. 

When I was single, no kids, and just worked full-time, I had so much time to go to the gym two-a-days, and I definitely had that "no excuses!" mentality. I absolutely know working mothers with families can compete, place well, and even become pros! However, you have to be ALL IN. Last year after giving birth I wasn't working or going to school and it was so much easier to dedicate myself to prep and be all in. I was actually even too all in. I absolutely wish I had the luxury of time but right now I know I have other responsibilities to put ahead for now.

Besides all that, I'm also not ready in so many personal internal ways. I thought I was, but I'm not. I have found myself struggling with food once again, binges, the urges to purge, emotional eating, and the inability to disconnect from food & feelings. The obsession came back. I keep thinking that a certain size, body shape or number on the scale will make me feel differently about myself. Alex has bluntly (with love) reminded me that I'm still never truly happy with myself even when I'm tiny. It really opened my eyes that he sees that in me. I've truly tried faking confidence and self love, and sometimes I really do absolutely feel great about myself, but most of the time I don't. I just need to find my happy... my balance... my true true self-love... 

I'm still going to lift and train my 5-6x a week! I'm still going to grow and build and continue with my progress. I just no longer have a timeline/deadline/show date! If I can only go to the gym for 30 mins one day then I can do what I can and not feel guilty or concerned about not doing my full workouts.

These decisions have absolutely NOTHING to do with my coach. He's wonderful and so supportive! I would recommend him to anyone. It's just my own damn fault and my decisions for what's best. I'd definitely return back to Team Heugly if and whenever I feel it's time :)

Anyways, thanks for those who have been following to see me do another show and as always I appreciate all the support! I'm still going to do progress photos and blogs and such! It's not like I'm quitting working out :p just changing up my goals! You don't have to compete to look good! I feel I have a better grasp now than after my show and I can't see myself throwing all this progress away and rebounding right now. 

Which btw... I do have brand new goals ;) A little bit of the reason why I've chosen to not to bikini as well. I still love the IFBB Bikini (the pros) womens' physiques... But, I've always loved a bit of the more muscular and fuller look... Like Erin Stern, Ashley Horner, and cross fit girls... I'll show ya.

I just LOVE the fuller, strong look. 

These will be my new goals to achieve and my own journey. I will self-coach. I know how to train, I know how to macro and most importantly, I know how to Google ;)

I'll actually be doing different trainers and I'll share progress that I get with those and recommendations and what not. I'm starting Erin Stern's Elite Body Trainer this week and I'm super excited. She's a mix of bodybuilding training and athlete training! Time to shock my body. 

That's it for now. Eeeeek it's scary being on my own again, which is why I love having coaches, but I've been researching quite some time on programming and such so I'm excited. IT'S ALMOST SUMMERRRRR :) 

xoxo

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